Dogs, crows, mass promotions and vision

March 1st, 10:33pm March 1st, 11:16pm

Commentaries

Some months ago, when the great aging sage of Absurdistan declared mass promotion for all school kids, there was instant jubilation all over. And why not. Who doesn’t want to skip the torture of exams. The great sage was immensely happy at his masterstroke. He had finally made his opponents bite dust, thought the learned sage. These guys were out to destroy the career of kids, while the sage and his boss were just taking potshots at the kids’ eyes, which obviously was far more benevolent. But the sage’s joy was short-lived. Suddenly there were strange calls for another kind of promotion. It is said some smart asses asked the great sage to give himself a life-time promotion.

They said the sage should promote himself from wazir-i-tardeed to wazir-i-dirri-dirri. They had a point. The great sage’s Gobbelsian statements wrapped in Orwellian double-speak topped with Shakespearean tragicomedy effect always produced mountains and mountains of repugnance for the entire wazarat that ruled Absurdistan. Everyone else knew it except the great sage. At least, that’s how the story goes. If you are wondering what dirri dirri means, it was a vocal expression used by the ancient Abusrdistanists to shoo away stray dogs who would approach them pretending harmless and then suddenly bite them left and right and leave them rabid.

But something suddenly went wrong. While vital things were being given final touches in this summit, one dog let out an unusual bark. It alerted everyone as they turned towards this dog. They thought a bone had perhaps got stuck in this dog’s throat and needed immediate medical attention. But the dog was perfectly alright and just wanted to make a point. He cleared his throat and said something that got the goat of all other dogs present there. “This shouldn’t happen. We can’t throw away what we have. We shouldn’t join the humans of Absurdistan because…,” the dog said. But he was abruptly shut down by scores of angry dogs around him.

They thought he was being a traitor. “This B****d is against us. He won’t let us progress,” one dog yelled deriding the dissenting dog’s position on this vital matter. Another called him a son of a bitch. Other dogs also mouthed unprintable invectives. One dog with some literary background and a suave tongue also made his displeasure known. “Array miya’n, tum khamoush nahin reh saktae kya? Kyu’n khwa makhah hamaray kabab mai’n haddi bun rehay ho. Hum sub kuttoo’n kee taqdeer aur tareekh badalnay waali hai. Aisay waqt pay kya aisee ma’yoob baatai’n zaeb daetee hai’n kya?,” this dog put his take on the situation across in a carefully cultured way, a rarity among dogs of Absurdistan. Another young dog wearing a hooded jacket and dark glasses tried to explain it in a different way.

“See, if we become humans we too can be doctors, engineers, lawmakers, businessmen. We can buy land in Absurdistan and build ourselves permanent shelters,” the youngster reasoned. The dissenting dog sensed the angry mood and quietly retired to a corner. The other dogs thought they had barked him out of the summit. The proceedings began all over again. But the dissenting dog hadn’t quite given up. He stood up once more and launched himself into a speech. “You may abuse me, but you don’t understand what catastrophe you’re bringing upon yourself by asking for a mass promotion to be humans.” Other dogs barked, howled, made catcalls, booed, yelled insults and there was absolute pandemonium. One fuming dog leapt at him, grabbed his jaws and delivered a threat. “You son of a bitch, if you do that again I’ll crush your bones.” Another one clutched his balls and barked into his face.

He stood up once more and launched himself into a speech. “You may abuse me, but you don’t understand what catastrophe you’re bringing upon yourself by asking for a mass promotion to be humans.” Other dogs barked, howled, made catcalls, booed, yelled insults and there was absolute pandemonium. One fuming dog leapt at him, grabbed his jaws and delivered a threat. “You son of a bitch, if you do that again I’ll crush your bones.” Another one clutched his balls and barked into his face. “Kutae, kameenae mai’n tujha kutay kee maut maaroo’n ga,” he said foaming with fury. But the dog doggedly continued. “Do you realise what tragedies humans of Absurdistan are going through?,” the dog asked. There was more jeering. These dogs thought this dog was being unnecessarily dogmatic about expressing his opinions. But one old, wise bespectacled dog thought the dissenting dog may have a point or two. So he asked others to give him at least a patient hearing which, considering the buzurgee of the bespectacled dog was agreed to, though reluctantly.

So the dog explained his position. He told his detractors there was a law in place in Absurdistan which authorised the killing of its human inhabitants. He couldn’t correctly recall the title of this law but somehow managed to call it Afsoospa. “Afsoospa or no Afsoospa, humans of Absurdistan can anyway be killed at will – for money, for promotions, for securing political careers or just because they happen to be inhabitants of Absurdistan,” he argued as he found some new confidence to make his point. Other dogs began to see some meat and bone in this line of reasoning. So they sort of warmed up to this dog’s speech. He felt encouraged as he further narrated the misfortunes of the inhabitants of Absurdistan about torture, extra-judicial murders, disappearances, rapes, mass detentions, mass blindings and so on.

At a point, emotions got the better of him. He choked on his own voice and struggled to go on. He picked up a potato chips wrapper from the ground, wiped his tears and started again clearing his throat and spitting on a nearby dog who had earlier called him an SOB. He then pulled out a rumpled, soiled piece of much-used and extremely-abused tissue paper from under his armpit and read out some statistical data about the killings, torture, blindings, rapes and other tragedies that had befallen the humans of Absurdistan. Moved by these horrific details, a pall of eerie silence fell all around. All other dogs were now ready for a grand sermon. Some dogs even sent some weepy-waily emoticons to each other on their Facebook accounts.