Monkey Baat

By Ulti Khopdee

Sorry. If the title of this column rhymes with some pep-cum-wisdom episodic talk, it is sheer coincidence. No offence or parody intended. We all know aal is well in this Republic of Absurdistan. It is so well that hardly anything needs a remedy. Everything is fixed here with a neat mix of Goebbelsian propaganda and Orwellian doublespeak.

Welcome aboard with the Narrator team. Let’s begin with ourselves. A lot of smarty-pants have been asking us a rather strange question. Why is the second ‘R’ reversed in the magazine’s title? Hmm, something to ponder over! Actually, we thought nobody will notice because nobody here has any functional brains. Absurdistan is thickly populated with such dimwits that they mistake bullets and pellets for ‘toffee’ from the vir jawans and fall over each other to get hold of a few toffees. So, if in the process they get killed or have their eyes pierced, whose fault is it? According to the immense logic of the high and powerful of Absurdistan, that barely needs a discussion. File shut and closed. Coming back to the reverse ‘R’, it was rather late in the day we realised this. To be honest, it actually points to our ulti khopdee, although we religiously believe all animals are equal in Absurdistan, some animals are more equal than others. And we are not among them.

These days we see some new buzzwords flying around. ‘Kashmir needs vikas and vishwas’. Although we hope it is not Vikas Swarup of India’s foreign office or some Vishwas Singh of World War-II fame. It is a sweet departure from the earlier ‘jamhooriyat’ and ‘insaniyat’ of the Vajpayee days. Some ‘leaders’ of the Absurdistan’s resistance campaign are still in awe of this wordplay of insaniyat and jamhooriyat and are eagerly looking forward to being called over for a dialogue (if they already have not) to bail the State out of the dif cult situation in Kashmir. Some wise guy had said a long time ago that Kashmir cannot be conquered with bullets but with banter — or something similar was said. Sorry for the poor reproduction of the quote. Another smart ass, who barely had his vital parts covered that for a long time the British thought that he was actually pleading for a ramp walk in a London fashion show rather than some political freedom, had seen a ray of hope or light or something in Kashmir. And lo, 70 years later it isn’t just a ray but an inferno we have in Kashmir – the schools are going up in flames. And nobody knows who is doing it or what to do about it. Perfect Absurdistan!

The 7 million people of Absurdistan who actually are only 5% or 5 or something similar in number recently heard of an immense benevolence about to be bestowed on them. Now cases of all those arrested over the past few months, some say the number is 13,000 and counting, will be reviewed. Now, if the inhabitants of the Republic of Absurdistan are not thankful for this, it is outright ingratitude of those who ‘pulled out people from under the cutting knife’, whatever that means. As inhabitants of Absurdistan may recall, it is one straight out of the great, grand manual of ‘healing touch’. First, get people arrested en mass, then play the bleeding-heart auntie and have some of them released. First, order and oversee mass blinding, then go over to the hospital bedside of 10-year-olds to tell them how awful you feel about it. Result: people of Absurdistan, dumb heads as they are, think it is an act of kindness and the political constituency of those waving the treatise of ‘healing touch’ gradually swells as they rehabilitate themselves in the political consciousness of the inhabitants of the great Republic of Absurdistan. Hail the Republic of Absurdistan!

(This column is a piece of humour and satire)

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