OBOR: One Bone, One Rat

OBOR: One Bone, One Rat

From the great land of Ching Pingstan, there was this equally great traveller, sickolar, fillosoloafer, IT guru and God knows what who gave this earth-shaking idea of OBOR or One Bone, One Rat. A word about this sickolar, fillosoloafer later. Let’s first see what this OBOR is all about.

It is said OBOR is basically meant for dogs since they are on the prowl everywhere biting at whatever they lay their teeth on. So this great flilosoloafer thought and thought and thought under a banyan or sweater tree for several decades as to how to solve this praabling of dogs eating humans even when the dogs know they could contract serious life-destroying diseases from humans like hypocrisy, krruption, lies, back biting or even worse back-to-back biting, etc etc.  So this sickolar came up with this idea of striking a deal with all the dogs of the world by offering each dog one bone and one rat everyday. So OBOR — One Bone, One Rat — was born. This idea of OBOR sounded great to everybody and even those, who had neither bones nor rats to offer, signed on.

A part of this OBOR project is known as CPEC —or Chicken, Paneer and Egg Curry which is supposed to be such a terrific dish that although meant for dogs, humans would love the leftovers. Or, so it was said.

The praabling with CPEC is that it can be only made in a remote part of Absurdisatn which offered the right climatic conditions for this kind of a complicated dish. This part went by a queer name GolMol Ballistan — probably because everyone in this land had perfectly round balls. At least that’s what the gossip aunties would often say. Now, as we know, Absurdisatn is a land which is claimed by the Rebublic of Al Bagistan as well as Republic of Sickluristan and have fought many wars over this land. They also have this maddening desire to destroy each other in a MAD strike and telecast worldwide this event of both vanishing in a nuclear cloud live in slow motion like a T20 final.  Rabid differences apart, Sickluristan and Al Bagistan agree on one important thing regarding Absurdistan. Both want the people of Absurdistan to be pushed into a chamber and gassed to death or transported in huge plastic containers and thrown into the Indian Ocean at the deepest point so that they never ever make any noises anymore. That is the only hope for the future of Al Bagistan and Sickluristan. But, of course, as long as Sickluristan and Al Bagistan are there, Absurdistan is doomed.  So Sickluristan argues that CPEC can’t be cooked in this part of Absurdistan as Sickluristan has the eternal right to swallow the entire territory of Absurdistan with its people, flora and fauna and not even burp lest the  world would know Sickluristan has gobbled up Absurdistan.  While Sickluristan thinks it has an absolute right on Absurdistan, Al Bagistan on the other hand believes it has a maternal right over Absurdistan so much so that it plans to turn it from just a jugular vein to a complete circulatory system for itself. And Al Bagistan believes, with Ching Pingistan firmly behind, it has every right to cook CPEC where ever it wants to in Absurdistan. In fact, Al Bagistan has already concluded Ching Pingistan will soon stretch out its giant dragon paw, grab Absurdistan  from Sickluristan and  deliver it to Al Bagistan gift-wrapped in a jute rag. Long story short, the CPEC dish has become another reason for Al Bagistan and Sickluristan to fight each other although in reality Al Bagistan may only provide the tawas, deghs, kadhais ,chamchas and other utensils for making CPEC. The dish  will finally be enjoyed only by Ching Pingistan.

Meanwhile, a senior manishturr from Sickluristan was recently in Absurdistan. While looking at the polluted waters of Dull lake he is said to have been so impressed by its beauty that he wanted to commit suicide by jumping into the lake. Luckily, some Absurdistani manishturr convinced him not to do so as it would be a breach of the Agenda of All Lies by which only Absurdistani manishturrs have to commit suicide by jumping from windows in celebration of the lies of the Agenda of All Lies. This Sickluristani manishturr goes by the name of Allan Jhoot Lee and is no relation of either Bruce Lee or Brett Lee or Christopher Lee. He actually gave an astounding recipe for keeping the people of Absurdistan firmly under control. Allan Jhoot Lee said there will be two bullets used in Absurdistan — one for those who make the wrong noises and the other for those who keep mum and don’t make the right noises. He said that those who will live on, if any, Sickluristan will talk to them about how to get rid of them, but he said they will have to first create naarmalcy and a pissful atmosphere so that they can be crushed properly. When Allan Jhoot Lee was rolling out his recipe for Absurdistan, the manishturrs of Absurdistan were seen jumping up and down in sheer joy like circus monkeys. Some of them even broke into Band-e-Pather dance and sang a Laddi  Shah as an ode to the benevolence of Allan Jhoot Lee.

Now a world about this sicklolar, traveler and fillosoloafer from Ching Pingistan who gave the original idea of OBOR. He goes by several names. Some call him Hussain Sang, but his progeny objects to it as he was a devout Buddhist and not a Muslim. Some call him Hooen (Kashmiri for dog) Sang which partly explains his altruism towards dogs and hence the One Bone, One Rat project. Some others say his name is Huien Sangh, which again his descendants object to as he has nothing to do with the Sangh Parivar. But some think he is Huen Tsang and the ‘T’ in Tsang is pronounced with added stress making it sound a rather vulgar word. But Google Bhaijan says his name is actually Xuang Xang which means what it sounds like — Zang Zang.

Since the One Bone, One Rat project proposed by Xuang Xang, or whatever his name, got stuck in Sickluristan’s throat, it issued a red corner notice for him declaring him as a dreaded terrorist who is on the payroll of Al Bagisatn. Xuang Xang was last spotted in Nowhatta area of Absurdistan throwing stones at the insecurity forces. He was shot at several time but somehow managed escape. Now Sickluristan is considering the nuclear option to finish off Xuang Xang since the stones he throws are bleeding Sickluristan with a thousand cuts.

Meanwhile a mahapurush from Sickluristan recently had a brain wave. Since some people from Sickluristan have been showing sympathy for the people of Absurdistan, he said they needed to be treated to something real special in line with the great virtues of Sickluristan. So this mahapurush said he would drive his four-wheeler around the towns and villages of Absurdistan with Absurdistan’s sympathizers from Sickluristan tied behind the vehicle with a rope. This way, he said, they will get some free sight seeing after which their bodies will be dumped in mass graves. Now taking a cue from this mahapurush, Sickluristan is planning a league tournament on the lines of T20 in which Absurdistanists would be tied to vehicles and dragged along the roads of Absurdistan. The team that drags the most number of Absurdisatanists leaving them neither dead nor alive will be the winner of the tournament which will start every year on the night of January and end the same year in December at 12 in the night. It is said teams from Sickluristan have already signed up for the tournament and even ticket sales have begun with people from Sickluristan buying wholesale to watch the tournament first-hand. Sickluristan’s news channels have offered to telecast the tournament live free of cost as a tribute to the gallantry of Sickluristan. A special Padma Shri award has also been announced for all the participants of this tournament as a recognition of their ‘sustained efforts’ to keep Absurdistan within the benevolent boundaries of Sickluristan.

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    By: Faheen

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